Luckily, we had been given the book When a Baby Dies at the Royal Sussex Hospital where Eve was born as part of a package of support materials. Charlotte Mitchell, one of the local Sands befrienders, had also given us this book when she visited us at home about two weeks after Eve died.
Our "holiday" was the first chance myself or my husband got to even open the book (we had a copy each to read). I remember lying on a sun lounger by the pool reading it, feeling quite self-conscious that other holiday-makers might be shocked by its title and know our "guilty" secret.
The book begins with a section called "parents' stories", which recounts tales of baby loss, ranging from full-term stillbirth and neonatal death to a 17-week loss and complications ending in a hysterectomy. All heart-breaking, all different, but containing familiar elements that struck a chord with Tony and myself. It is fitting that the book should begin like this, helping fellow bereaved parents to feel that they are not alone. That's certainly what we needed at the time.
The clever bit about the book is that it takes these experiences as its starting point and uses quotes from these parents - and others - throughout the following sections (experiences in hospital; grief and grieving; another pregnancy; another baby; looking back).
In "looking back", we find out how these parents view the experience 18 months-plus on - whether or not they have successfully had other children and how they have managed to live with their loss. The latter is something that Tony and I never imagined we would be able to do; the book illustrated to us that, although life will never be the same again, it does go on and people do find happiness again in the future.
Finally, the book gives an overview of possible medical explanations for baby loss. Again this was extremely important for us at the time. Unfortunately, we, like so many parents whose child has been stillborn, do not have a reason for Eve's death. But in the weeks and months that followed her death, we searched avidly for a reason, albeit in vain.
When a Baby Dies is essential reading for all bereaved parents, however much time has passed since their loss. It also offers important pointers for health professionals on treating bereaved parents with respect and dignity and ensuring that they get the best all-round care possible.
Revised edition, published by Routledge, ISBN 0-415-25276-8. This book is available for loan from Brighton & Hove Sands' library. To borrow a book, email mail@brightonandhovesands.co.uk
